Decisions
ambivalence
/ăm-bĭv′ə-ləns/
noun
1. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.
2. Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow.
I remember the first time I heard this word used to describe me a few years ago.
"If you can't decide...then keep stewing on it. You eventually reach a point that you jump out of the pot," he said in a 'c'est la vie' manner. "Until then, continue to embrace the suffering."
It wasn't the advice I was looking for. In fact, at the time, I hated it. 'What am I paying this guy for?' I would think. Though, in retrospect, it was the advice I needed at the time.
True decisions carry the weight of all costs associated with them. Positive or negative.
When we find ourselves in the space of indecision, it's easy to believe we were placed there against our will. Highly more likely, it is a room we choose for ourselves based on a multitude of reasons.
- Perhaps we believe there's an undiscovered option awaiting us.
- Perhaps we want assurances before proceeding.
- Perhaps we know the true answer and fear the corresponding cost.
Or, far worse: We want the inevitability of time to make our decision for us. Sacrificing our agency on the altar of temporary relief. While a later version of us, doomed to repeat the cycle, suffers doubly.
Without decisions, we cannot learn. When we do finally make a decision, a transaction occurs. The results of our decision reveal to us its full scope, indicating to us what future similar decisions might produce. Regardless of whether the outcome is in our favor or not, there are consolation prizes if we can find them: wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight. Pr 4:7.
Get Wisdom
As they say: Hindsight is 20/20.
I know I don't always appreciate the results of my decisions until I've recognized the journey I had to sufficiently travel. After toiling, reaching a point where I become freed of whatever bondage was preventing me from finally grasping the decision required in that season. If our decisions had no cost and no journey, I argue that there would be nothing to truly appreciate about the results they create in our lives.
A little over a year ago, I was wrestling with the decision to move out of state. I spent months waffling back and forth on the persistent nudge. Perhaps paralyzed by fear of making the wrong decision. Or hoping that if I waited long enough, one would be made for me. There are seasons in life where I struggled to make a confident decision...let alone stick with it. Waking at 3am. Relentless observations, reverse-ruminating all the possible outcomes. Each time certain, that I could re-run all the simulations and uncover a satisfying solution.
One morning, seeking solid evidence as I flipped through my Bible, I saw it.
"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Pr 16:9
The text appeared clearly in front of me. In a way, it gave me the sense of instant understanding. While simultaneously, the expansive nature of the concept required me to digest it.
Previous iterations of my theology were skewed more toward determinism. God's sovereignty was everything, and my 'free will' was more of an idea than a reality. Through a series of difficult experiences, my free will became very apparent to me. It was clear that God had no plans on interfering with it either. A lack of wisdom on my part left me with an incomplete picture of how God operates. Last year I heard a sermon by Tim Keller which confirmed what I had begun to sense about this dynamic but could not articulate at the time. (If you want to dive deeper on this you will have to listen to: Does God Control Everything? Tim Keller)
For example:
- If God doesn't give me a new job, then I shouldn't look for one.
- If God doesn't tell me which college to go to, then I shouldn't apply to one.
- If God doesn't provide me a business, then I shouldn't start one.
It is as if to believe: Unless I have a neon sign saying to do something, then I should do nothing. If it's all ordained anyway, I just need to wait for God to do His part.
However, like the previous Proverb, there is evidence in scripture that our free will and God's ultimate purposes appear in union. While seemingly contradictory, wisdom suggests they are tiles in the same mosaic.
Wisdom starts
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight. Pr 9:10.
'Fear of the Lord' I'm talking about is not a fire and brimstone attribute that stirs fearfulness and anxiety. This is a reverent fear that humbly grapples with the weightiness of an infinite and righteous God. One who created finite beings with aspects of His own image. And as we bear that image, we are called to answer for what we do with it.
A sobering antidote to my chronic ambivalence was the Parable of the Talents & Ten Minas (Luke 19:12-27 & Matthew 25:14-30). In each, Jesus describes how the Kingdom of Heaven will arrive. There are clear parallels between them, and perhaps I don't fully grasp the nuance. However, I cannot deny what it spoke to me.
And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here, I have made five talents more.’ 21 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. Mt 25:20–21.
As it goes, the servant who was given two talents was able to produce two more. Then there's the servant with one talent. He buried it. Things didn't seem to turn out so well for him...
The master did not tell them in great detail what to do. He said, "Engage in business until I come." Lk 19:13. He did not tell them how to invest, where to do business, or how long he would be gone. He simply trusted them with his property, and upon his return, he expected them to have something to show for it.
So, there I was wondering...
If I look at my life, and see where I was given five talents. And all I have done so far, is hold onto them for myself... Which servant am I?
If I am here to steward these talents and minas, then I am responsible for making wise decisions on how best to use them.
Partnership
Decisions are hard. They are toiling. And yet, we are called to make them.
When we find ourselves wandering within the walls of indecision, we should ask ourselves:
OR
Am I seeking relief from the weight of decision?
If it's the latter, we should be cautious. It's possible that we want God to make our decisions for us. Decisions that He had delegated to us.
God brought animals to Adam so that he could name them. God didn't tell Adam what to name them. There was no pre-approved list of animal names. God delegated that decision making to Adam. Adam took on the task in God's presence. That was partnership.
Please don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm not saying that God will never wake you up in the middle of the night with instruction as He did for Samuel. Perhaps there are times where our path is so narrow, that God will call it out specifically so there is no question where we must go. There will also certainly be times where no answer is God saying wait. So we must wait upon the Lord. And in those cases we must continually seek Him until we receive the peace to proceed. Again, wisdom is required here.
But for the times that we might call 'day-to-day'. We are engaging in business until He comes.
So what is the relationship between my daily engagements and God's plan?
Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Pr 19:21.
Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. Ps 127:1.
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. Jn 15:5
It appears, partnering with God occurs somewhere in the discrepancy between these:
| My: plans, desires, building | AND | God's: purpose, will, establishment |
Leap of faith
When we engage in partnership with God, we must often do so by faith. This is especially true when we don't understand the path God has placed us on.
- If we want to bring plans from our mind into reality, we should share them with God and seek His purpose.
- If we have desires on our heart that we are pursuing, we should submit them to His will.
- If we are taking steps to build something, we must seek and defer to how He will establish it.
Without this, we labor in vain. Which I have done in my life.
I have gathered my plans, my desires, my ability to build, and created on my own terms. When I construct my life in that heart posture, it always becomes a house that I wish I never built...
It becomes my personal Babel.
I'm still learning how to walk this out. Each new decision gets progressively more complex than the last, as my skills and comfort levels are stretched. But I do know now, that it requires an abiding trust that He will establish our steps as we navigate dark narrow trails. We can include Him as we decide which turns to take, even if we do not know where they lead.
Once I started partnering with God, by faith, I didn't need to pray for the divine neon light signal anymore. It became more like this:
"Lord, here are the options I've laid out. I want to acknowledge you in this process. In faith, I'm going to choose this one. I ask you to establish my steps as you have promised to do. If I am off base, I invite you to correct my course."
Faith is crucial to the decision-making process.
"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." 1 Cor 13:12.
On this side of our decisions, we can only know partly. Even after the choices are chosen, we may not know the full scope of impact until weeks or months afterward. Even still, we may not understand until the other side of eternity. Then, we can know fully.
Hindsight is 20/20.
So, how do we do this pragmatically?
- Decisions we make require wisdom. Ask God for wisdom. (James 1:5-6)
- In prayer, submit the pros and cons of a decision in your heart to the Lord. (Ps. 139:23-24)
- Acknowledge Him before you make your decision. (Pr 3:5-6)
You may get a clear revelation on exactly where God wants you to move next. Or, you may still feel just as uncertain. No worries...God can handle your feelings of uncertainty as you make "decisions" that feel more like blind leaps of faith.
Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot. Ec 5:18.
Decisions are part of our toil. We will have seasons where we have to stew for a while. But we should not loathe or hide from the decisions themselves. We should find enjoyment in choosing them.
At the end of the day, if we still aren't sure which decision is the right one, we can skip to the end of Ecclesiastes to find an answer:
"The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." Ec 12:13.